how to be...

Life was really easy when I was younger. No responsibility, no bills, money didn't matter because I could ask mom and dad. Now being an adult is terrifying. I think slowing down is going to be the thing that saves my life. I am coming to grips with a lot. The divorce is around the corner. I am making new friends, revisiting some of the finest things in life with art and music, starting to draw again, starting to write again. What is it then that needs to change? Why is there a void?

I look in the mirror with all of these positive motivating factors happening and I find no comfort. It's a challenge to see what I have become. The shell of a man that once was and is forcing himself to become whole again with the real person within. I need some time away from my normal daily routines and life. I need to really list the things that matter to me the most and focus on them, because having everything won't mean anything unless I take the time to develop them.

It's amazing that we have this genuine opportunity and people like me who realize how great it is to be alive, piss it away. It's time to wake up. It's time to start to really live again, get back to the days of old and roll with it. The picture below is my sarcasm that is screaming right now. It's like a drag queen with no make up, like a kid throwing a temper-tantrum. It's my raging bile duct.

life is different from the outside of a bottle...

Normally, I can sit and type 25 things out that in retrospect don't even matter or possibly not make any sense either. So as I posted in my other blog...been 2 days now after a heavy 8 days of booze. I hung it up on purpose. bad road, that could only get worse if i didn't stop the ride!

My brain has to learn how to function again normally without the booze for a while. my body needs to recoup. I have started to workout slowly and I am keeping my meditation and samaya practices on the forefront instead of forgetting them altogether. I need to build up my muscles again, especially my organs, to be able to withstand any shit I give them later in life, but for now, for a long while...this weak body, is going to improve slowly and get strong again!

So 2 days feels good. I sat 15 minutes ago or so staring at my computer screen going, wow...I am kinda bored and no, don't want a beer, but it's weird to not want that beer. or have been reaching for a third or fourth by now.

I realized another thing recently. A LOT of people in my life are completely full of shit. It's not even being mean, or not seeing the good BuddhaNature that lies within them. It's just fact. It amazes me, the amount of people that can look at you in the face and just boldly lie about shit that doesn't even matter...I am trying to not lie about shit anymore as much as possible. I wish i'd have listened to my parents when they told me, one lie makes another.

the things i want from her...

and there is no current her.

to wrap up in a tartan wool blanket and keep warm
to roll in a field in ireland and kiss
to drink wine by a fire
to have a good feeling when we speak (all the time)
to tailgate at a sports game
to go to a concert (punk or opera)
to deep sea dive and swim with the fish
to vacation in bora bora
to take pictures together as we travel the world
to live wherever, however
to allow each other's personal growth (and set backs)

to know that no matter what my wants are
in her own wants
she wants the same
or very close to it.

i am famous...

check me out with skull candy at the Lollapalooza 2008 VIP Lounge

HERE

saw skateboard P tonight

wish it was for real, but yeah, another dude who constantly inspires me.  god damn am i outta shape compared to that dude.

so let's assess, what does he do that i don't on the regular...

1. work out

2. no booze

3. eats good

well fuck it, there is my answer.  if you are leaving a relationship gentlemen, know that your shitty lite beer, is about the same as drinking a Guinness, so drink better.  lite beer is still going to make you fat as fuck as it has me.  the alcohol content to a Guinness is .2% higher than a lite, feel stupid?  i do and don't...Guinness although better quality is highly more expensive.  whatever.

be like Pharrell work out, don't drink and eat good and we will be on our way to the flat (but really flat) stomach.

til then...

let's drink up.

hurt and my friends hurt

i don't like to see anyone hurt.  recently i heard fruma say " there is an insecure side of me that just cries ", i was texting KK and i could feel the same hurt that i get when i just want to be left alone.

i thought i wanted to write, but i guess i don't.  it's 10:00 ish and i am restless.  i am tired, but the booze drives me on.  wish i had a bottle of 20 year old jameson whiskey to stare at since i refuse to open it.  but the miller lite flows on and on (and i'm out so now it may be wine).

i'll drink another night away!

slainte!

so i accomplished a lot today

but fuck am i tired now.  i am a bit buzzed and i think it's cos i didn't eat much yet today since i stayed so busy.  debating on calling people to hook up and go out or not.  whatever, i am already buzzed, no need to get wasted, which would be what happens...but then the schizophrenic side of me disagrees and says, it will be fine, just go asshole.

man i sometimes wish i was schizo, things would make so much more sense.

pulled from both arms, burned at both ends of the candlestick.  healthy or buzzed, yoga or sleep, meditation or tv, so many choices...it's a constant inner turmoil.  i wish i had some turmoil to listen to. hmmm, time for harder music and a shower, call it a day, stop the mental non-sense.